Disclaimer

None of these sadness techniques should be used by anyone under the age of 18. The safety and reversibility of long-term mood induction is highly questionable; attempting any of the following 'mind hacks' for depression is done at your own risk and is ill-advised. No institution or official group has sanctioned this work.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A depressive diagnosis for anyone

This blog will be about getting you down, because it is better for you this way. This first post, however, will be a short introduction to the many ways you can be sad, so when you read and follow our posts, you will instantly know what level of despair you have reached.

Think you are not depressed or never have been?

Please see the list below and think again. There is a depression type or subtype for every man, woman and child out there, you will never need to feel left out again (although this might help you reach the ultimate goal of severe despair).

If you can't find one you like, let us know now, and for only $9.99 we come up with one, and what the heck, if apply you within the next 30 years, we'll throw in one for free.

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The golden standard of modern psychiatry, the DMS-IV starts us off with 6 depression-relevant diagnostic categories you might find yourself meeting criteria for:

Major Depressive Disorder: Do we need to spell it out for you? You're depressed or down for weeks on end, for years on end.
Major Depressive Episode: As above, but shorter - at least 2 weeks duration.
Manic Episode: A temporary reversal of fortune - you run around feeling energized, grandiose even. Others do not concern you, you don't need sleep and might become irritable. Symptoms must hold for at least 1 week.
Mixed Episodes: Little of this, little of that. Combines Major & Manic episodes.
Hypomanic Episode: Like Manic but shorter. A case of red bull should do it. 4 days minimum.
Dysthymic Disorder: Only sometimes depressed, but over a period of 2 years. Me: "Doctor, I have never always felt great" Dr. Phil: "That's a clear case of Dysthymia, son."

But wait, there is more! Of the following depressive categories, not all are as accepted today, but who are they to tell you how you feel?

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD!): Hamsters have it too! If only it was as prevalent in summer...
Endogenous depression: Occurs from within. No one knew why. Biological. Avoid antidepressants.
Reactive depression: Results of circumstantial stressors. Antidepressants no effect.
Psychotic Depression: Similar to endogenous. Includes hallucinations.
Bereavement: Loss of loved one (spouse, friend, hamster etc.).
Neurotic: See Dysthymia.
Primary Depression: Depressed because of depression (!).
Secondary Depression: Depressed by other reasons (medical, biological, financial).
Postnatal depression: You'll have to become pregnant first, sorry guys
Postpartum Disorder: a.k.a. Baby Blues. Have baby? Depressed? PD! See postnatal depression.
Atypical Depression: Depression that is not typical. Most prevalent type. Patient feels good when something good happens. Sound familiar?
Double Depression: See Dysthymic. Depression x 2.
Situational Depression: same as Reactive but different.
Agitated Depression: Irritability and restlessness.
Melancholic Depression: Anhedonia (loss of pleasure). Inability to find pleasure in positive events (in contrast with which disorder?) Often in combination with agitation, insomnia, and no appetite for Domino's.
Catatonic Depression: Depression for cats with movement impairments.

If all else fails and normality & content is closing in, remember, we are here for you.

Welcome to Science of Sadness.

Stay with us & stay sad,
written by Matthijs - edited by Dan F

Lnk: DSM-IV 1, 2 (subscriptions only)
Lnk: Depressed Hamsters Shed Light On Seasonal Disorder

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