Procrastination: A Tangled Path to Depression

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The Wikipedia entry on Procrastination (1) contains the following under psychological causes:

The psychological causes of procrastination vary greatly, but generally surround issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth, and a self-defeating mentality[4].

As a chronic procrastinator, I can vouch for the truthiness of the wikipedian's description. However, if anxiety, low self worth and defeatism were the sole privilege of procrastinators, depressed people would have a good deal less to be miserable about.

Notice how Wikipedia's procrastination entry has a threshold for significant dysfunction similar to the one listed in the DSM-IV criteria for a depressive episode (2):

Wikipedia: While it is normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. (1)
DSM-IV: The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.(2)

Completing my own hastily drawn depression / procrastination link, wikipedia provides us with one last gem for pondering what sort of demon procrastination is - and how it can be ridden to the dark depths of self-inflicted hell:

Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.(1)

Whatever the cause - procrastination's clear overlap with depressive symptoms provides an intriguing route to follow in the pursuit of sadness. Testing how well any of these techniques 'work' long term on yourself is likely to result in a lifetime of tragically aborted or mis-formed endeavors. Thus, as always, proceed carefully.

It is important to tailor your procrastination tendencies around topics and people that are important to you in your life, in order to get the full effect. Here are two scenarios:

1. Start a scientific blog on sadness with your flat-mate/coworker, wait 2 months to make your first post, base it on Wikipedia. Search for scientific articles when you don't have access, write a note to remind yourself to send the link to your work email so you can download them. Save Blog as draft 50 times before halfway through.

2. Deliberately procrastinate on making contact with a loved-one. This combines anxieties about losing relationships, increased seclusion and even the sense that your sadness may be contagious (no citation). It also helps you avoid making new acquaintances, as you realize the failure of so many relationships past paints a clear image of your future.

Facebook is a great way to get started on this - pick someone you've had a significant relationship with but haven't spoken to in some time. Now imagine how your message might brighten their day, or a birthday note might send a tiny breath of sweetness to their hearts.

Now dash those thoughts, close your browser and meditate on the cold reality that you will likely never reconnect with this person, at least not on a meaningful level. Once you can't stand it and are rushing to look up their number in your non-existent rolodex, suppress the thought and repeat 'I'll call them tomorrow' until the throbbing subsides.

For advanced procrastinators, pick a time to call them when you know you're going to be busy, although we all know what 'busy' really means. Once you master the scientific-looking model below for maximum depression-relevant procrastionation, you'll be well on your way to achieving sadness.

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Here's how you can picture your brain going through these actions:
Original MRI Image Source

If you ever do manage to make a blog post on your hypothetical blog, or reach out and touch that special someone, make sure that the blog post / phone call goes badly enough that you feel like you've failed, but not so horrible that you shouldn't do it again.

Better yet - give yourself big expectations for the next blog post / phone call - tell yourself that you'll make up for it with a new, well-prepared, on-schedule set of correspondence.

Repeat again, make procrastination the only expected outcome for any action - see if it don't make you unhappy.

The Nihi-List

L Psychology Today on this trend of putting your bad luck, depression and how life sucks on twitter and blogs. Seems especially the French love complaining. Stay with us & stay sad.

L What is the biggest gender difference you ask? Is it aggression? Map reading skillz? Frequency of masturbation? No! It's that girls are bad with balls. Neuroanthropology has the story.

L Even chickens prefer beautiful humans. What more can I say. You're fucked.

L In case you were still doubting; panic in the media as it becomes clear the pharmaceutical industry owns medical science. 149 Harvard med. school faculty members get paid by drug giants Pfizer. This is just the tip of the ice-berg though, read the cold hard facts on pharma involvement in psychological and medical research in the blog Furious Seasons.

I'm personally shocked as I run experiments for Pfizer as we speak, sorry guys. I'll try to keep it real.

L Depressed hamsters shed light on seasonal disorder. Shed... get it?

L TAKE THE BLUE PILL, NEO! Amsterdam researchers show fear and anxiety can be "deleted" with a pill in a nature article. Fortunately some scientists warn it could delete good memories too.

L Finally, the wait is over. We can now genetically alter mice to stop sniffing cocaine.

L The Dutch start an official suicide hotline. Government funds it with a staggering 1.4 million euro. Interestingly the number to call will be 113, not to be confused with 112 which will get you the police. Call now for only 99cent per minute.

L Junk-food makes you want to kill yourself (and other people). Go stack up on those McFatties! (side note; the solution seems to be ingesting more Omega-3, easy as that?!)

Loneliness Makes You Cold

"When friendship disappears then there is a space left open to that awful loneliness of the outside world which is like the cold space between the planets (slightly above 0 degress Kelvin? -ed). It is an air in which men perish utterly." - Hilaire Belloc

A (relatively) new article in Psychological Science reports that when thinking about a situation where you were socially excluded, it makes you estimate the room temperature as colder.
A second study excluded or included participants in a computer ball-tossing game. When excluded, participants preferred hot drinks and food over cold, suggesting a need to "warm up".

Reversely the authors speculate that cooler temperatures could make you feel sadder, lonelier and socially excluded (a valid assumption but pure speculation nonetheless as this bidirectionality was not explored).

An interesting side note was the surprisingly large variaton in estimated room temperature (from 12C to 40C). Another indication that context and other subjective factors steer perception of reality more than factual conditions (bringing us to the question of the existence of factual conditions itself).

Additionally, this reasearch could potentionally shed light on seasonal disorder as partly caused by variations in temperature. Makes me wonder if dressing warmly could help shield you from depression.





Useful Materials:
-Ice cream
-Snow
-Cold pizza
-Siberia
-Documentaries on North Pole
-Winter rain
-Ice baths
-Dog sled expeditions

Topic Tip:
Turning down the heat in your home will result in stronger feelings of sadness, loneliness and social exclusion. We'd suggest you open all windows, take a shower but don't dry off. Subsequently pull out some Ben and Jerry's (preferably their depressingly fitting "Socialice") and start reading "The Terror"*.

* An all time favorite historic fiction on two ships stuck in the ice somewhere in north-east Canada while supplies run out. While the crew fights for survival The Cold starts creeping into every aspect of their lives. I constantly kept upping the thermostat while reading.

Lnk: Article by Zhong & Leonardelli in Psych. Science
Lnk: Book "The Terror"
Lnk: Movie: "The Frozen Dead"
Lnk: Depressed Hamsters Shed Light on Seasonal Disorder

-Matthijs

A depressive diagnosis for anyone

This blog will be about getting you down, because it is better for you this way. This first post, however, will be a short introduction to the many ways you can be sad, so when you read and follow our posts, you will instantly know what level of despair you have reached.

Think you are not depressed or never have been?

Please see the list below and think again. There is a depression type or subtype for every man, woman and child out there, you will never need to feel left out again (although this might help you reach the ultimate goal of severe despair).

If you can't find one you like, let us know now, and for only $9.99 we come up with one, and what the heck, if apply you within the next 30 years, we'll throw in one for free.

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The golden standard of modern psychiatry, the DMS-IV starts us off with 6 depression-relevant diagnostic categories you might find yourself meeting criteria for:

Major Depressive Disorder: Do we need to spell it out for you? You're depressed or down for weeks on end, for years on end.
Major Depressive Episode: As above, but shorter - at least 2 weeks duration.
Manic Episode: A temporary reversal of fortune - you run around feeling energized, grandiose even. Others do not concern you, you don't need sleep and might become irritable. Symptoms must hold for at least 1 week.
Mixed Episodes: Little of this, little of that. Combines Major & Manic episodes.
Hypomanic Episode: Like Manic but shorter. A case of red bull should do it. 4 days minimum.
Dysthymic Disorder: Only sometimes depressed, but over a period of 2 years. Me: "Doctor, I have never always felt great" Dr. Phil: "That's a clear case of Dysthymia, son."

But wait, there is more! Of the following depressive categories, not all are as accepted today, but who are they to tell you how you feel?

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD!): Hamsters have it too! If only it was as prevalent in summer...
Endogenous depression: Occurs from within. No one knew why. Biological. Avoid antidepressants.
Reactive depression: Results of circumstantial stressors. Antidepressants no effect.
Psychotic Depression: Similar to endogenous. Includes hallucinations.
Bereavement: Loss of loved one (spouse, friend, hamster etc.).
Neurotic: See Dysthymia.
Primary Depression: Depressed because of depression (!).
Secondary Depression: Depressed by other reasons (medical, biological, financial).
Postnatal depression: You'll have to become pregnant first, sorry guys
Postpartum Disorder: a.k.a. Baby Blues. Have baby? Depressed? PD! See postnatal depression.
Atypical Depression: Depression that is not typical. Most prevalent type. Patient feels good when something good happens. Sound familiar?
Double Depression: See Dysthymic. Depression x 2.
Situational Depression: same as Reactive but different.
Agitated Depression: Irritability and restlessness.
Melancholic Depression: Anhedonia (loss of pleasure). Inability to find pleasure in positive events (in contrast with which disorder?) Often in combination with agitation, insomnia, and no appetite for Domino's.
Catatonic Depression: Depression for cats with movement impairments.

If all else fails and normality & content is closing in, remember, we are here for you.

Welcome to Science of Sadness.

Stay with us & stay sad,
written by Matthijs - edited by Dan F

Lnk: DSM-IV 1, 2 (subscriptions only)
Lnk: Depressed Hamsters Shed Light On Seasonal Disorder