Procrastination: A Tangled Path to Depression

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The Wikipedia entry on Procrastination (1) contains the following under psychological causes:

The psychological causes of procrastination vary greatly, but generally surround issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth, and a self-defeating mentality[4].

As a chronic procrastinator, I can vouch for the truthiness of the wikipedian's description. However, if anxiety, low self worth and defeatism were the sole privilege of procrastinators, depressed people would have a good deal less to be miserable about.

Notice how Wikipedia's procrastination entry has a threshold for significant dysfunction similar to the one listed in the DSM-IV criteria for a depressive episode (2):

Wikipedia: While it is normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. (1)
DSM-IV: The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.(2)

Completing my own hastily drawn depression / procrastination link, wikipedia provides us with one last gem for pondering what sort of demon procrastination is - and how it can be ridden to the dark depths of self-inflicted hell:

Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.(1)

Whatever the cause - procrastination's clear overlap with depressive symptoms provides an intriguing route to follow in the pursuit of sadness. Testing how well any of these techniques 'work' long term on yourself is likely to result in a lifetime of tragically aborted or mis-formed endeavors. Thus, as always, proceed carefully.

It is important to tailor your procrastination tendencies around topics and people that are important to you in your life, in order to get the full effect. Here are two scenarios:

1. Start a scientific blog on sadness with your flat-mate/coworker, wait 2 months to make your first post, base it on Wikipedia. Search for scientific articles when you don't have access, write a note to remind yourself to send the link to your work email so you can download them. Save Blog as draft 50 times before halfway through.

2. Deliberately procrastinate on making contact with a loved-one. This combines anxieties about losing relationships, increased seclusion and even the sense that your sadness may be contagious (no citation). It also helps you avoid making new acquaintances, as you realize the failure of so many relationships past paints a clear image of your future.

Facebook is a great way to get started on this - pick someone you've had a significant relationship with but haven't spoken to in some time. Now imagine how your message might brighten their day, or a birthday note might send a tiny breath of sweetness to their hearts.

Now dash those thoughts, close your browser and meditate on the cold reality that you will likely never reconnect with this person, at least not on a meaningful level. Once you can't stand it and are rushing to look up their number in your non-existent rolodex, suppress the thought and repeat 'I'll call them tomorrow' until the throbbing subsides.

For advanced procrastinators, pick a time to call them when you know you're going to be busy, although we all know what 'busy' really means. Once you master the scientific-looking model below for maximum depression-relevant procrastionation, you'll be well on your way to achieving sadness.

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Here's how you can picture your brain going through these actions:
Original MRI Image Source

If you ever do manage to make a blog post on your hypothetical blog, or reach out and touch that special someone, make sure that the blog post / phone call goes badly enough that you feel like you've failed, but not so horrible that you shouldn't do it again.

Better yet - give yourself big expectations for the next blog post / phone call - tell yourself that you'll make up for it with a new, well-prepared, on-schedule set of correspondence.

Repeat again, make procrastination the only expected outcome for any action - see if it don't make you unhappy.